... and finding the solution to them is just as much our job as it is yours.

In 1930, Mr Louis Chapman also identified a problem, namely filling a number of teacups in the shortest possible time. You can find more about the solution to this problem in British patent specification 360,253 (Fig. 1).
Maybe a quiet December evening and a nice cup of tea will help you to solve your most pressing problems – even if you still haven't started using Mr Chapman's time-saving teapots.

but never dared to ask:

Herbert Torr William JENNER, formerly of I Street 933, Washington, DC, revealed it – largely unnoticed – to the public in the British patent specification No. 14,055 of 17 November 1885. The meaning of the expression "the spirit of a decision" has never been the same since.
We hope that the long evenings of the coming holidays will give you time and leisure to calmly follow things up that you would not otherwise have time for; even if you don't happen to have these items on your bookshelves.

when your rivals in the chicken run stick their beak in.

In 1903, Andrew Jackson Jr., a former resident of Munich (not Bavaria, but Jackson County, Tennessee) made a clever and animal-friendly idea into the subject of his US Patent 730,918, which would at the very least help to prevent the most painful consequences of the pecking order.
We hope that as lawyers, we will be able to make an even greater contribution in the New Year to finding peaceful solutions between competitors, so that everybody's claws can stay where they belong – on the safe ground of facts.

thought Jennings W. Carter, formerly of Manila/Philippines, when he registered his "Testing device" as a patent in the USA on 16 November 1909. It says a lot for his curious nature that the uniformed figure was designed to indicate the extent of the force exerted by how far his neck popped out.

If you would like to kick around new ideas, inventions or legal problems with us, we won't kick you into touch.

if you want what's left of your magnificent head of hair to lie at perfect right angles.

Messrs Daniel Keutmann and August Coutelle, formerly of Essen, Germany, clearly thought things through to a hair's breadth when they patented their "Device for the parting of hair" on 30 September 1902.

Before your hair stands on end or you end up pulling it out, because you have had to put up with so much hair-splitting over your inventions or somebody else's, let us help you in future. With or without your hair shirt.

... was not uppermost in the mind of Albert Modey Loughney, formerly a doctor resident in Seattle, USA, when on 27 October 1910 he registered his "Abdominal-fat reducing apparatus" as a patent in the United Kingdom.

Who knows? Maybe Dr Loughney had a premonition of what would be practised 80 years later as "lean Management" – if only with swing lever 22, if necessary.

Hopefully the New Year will allow everybody who slimmed down a bit last year to put a bit back on.

… could have been the motto of Mr Heinrich Hahmann, formerly of Gundorf, near Leipzig, when on 17 February 1927 he patented a "Dog kennel, with entrance bordered by inward-facing brush bristles".

Although these aspects of a dog's life were probably uppermost in Mr Hahmann's mind, he might also have been thinking of his human contemporaries of the Roaring Twenties.

We hope that the New Year will bring you some neat work and good business – and if anything needs brushing off, we as your lawyers are proud to be by your side.

... is certainly the wrong strategy for energetic performances.

If you have so many new ideas, inventions or legal problems that you don't know which way to turn – step this way, we are happy to help.

Dr Julius Liebeschütz, a former resident of Dessau/Germany, could certainly not be accused of pussyfooting around when he presented his "Step control apparatus" invention at the Patent Office of the German Reich on 24 February 1914. At last there was a seemly way to accompany large strides with trumpet call.

If you are hoping to get next year off on the right foot in your area of expertise, we would be pleased take care of the patented accompanying music.

…you might end up turning tail.

You have to have a thick skull, Mr Wilhelm Thiemann, formerly of Bilm-Höver, near Burgdorf, Hannover, must have thought, when on 22 April 1928 he patented his "Stall apparatus".

You can't even draw in your horns when urgent business calls for urgent action.

In the coming year, could we perhaps help you to grasp your problems by the horns as well?

… means the person with the brain should do the brainwork and the person with the brawn do the manual work.

This was no doubt the usual approach at the time, when Emil and Herman Behringer of New York, USA applied for a patent from the German Imperial Patent Office for their "Vacuum cleaner device" on 3 June 1908.
Are you
Thanks to this infamous import from the New World, male subjects could now put their majesty to good use whilst reading the latest court circular (or was there already a sports section in those days?) by using this ingenious rocking chair device to create the necessary vacuum, whilst the lady of the house got on with the eternal battle against the dust.

We would be happy to be part of your division of labour. If you need is to, we can kick up some dust. Without a rocking chair and newspaper. Guaranteed.

... but sleepyheads leave the field wide open for the bright-eyed competition.

This, admittedly, was not the reason Messrs Abraham Hornung and Isidor Sperling, former residents of Tarnopol, Galicia, patented their "Apparatus for Awaking Persons by Means of an Electric Shock" with His Majesty's Stationery Office in the United Kingdom on 17 July 1907.

The inventors actually wanted to help people with hearing difficulties, who would not hear an alarm clock, to wake up safely (without disturbing the beauty sleep of their co-sleepers with normal hearing, obviously).

Of course, we don't know whether your competitors sleep standing up or any other way, but we would be more than happy to help you dish out patent s all all all all in all hocks.

... is hard enough, even with a favourable wind. But what do you do when colours change in history, do you really have to go out and buy new flags every time?

This burning political and economic issue was taken up by the (manifestly miserly) Mr Walter Gerdes, formerly resident in Berlin, when he registered his "Flag with vertical and horizontal stripes" as a patent with the Imperial Patent Office on 2 March 1928.

As you can see, a historical problem is quite easy to resolve: with a single pull, you can do what it used to take a revolution to do, or in these more democratic times, a landslide election result. Just to set your mind at ease: another pull, in the opposite direction, restores the previous status quo.

... whilst simultaneously removing all traces. Practically the recipe for the perfect crime, you might think.

But in all probability, it was much more innocent thinking that led Mr Heinrich Bratke, formerly of Sagan, to file a patent for his "Dust blower for sculptors" invention on 20 May 1891.

Thanks to this ingenious device, you don't get out of breath and finally get the opportunity to hold a windbag clamped under your arm. And it's enough to kick up some dust.

If you want to strike a decisive blow – we're right by your side.

thought William Mumford, an electrician who was clearly practical and careful with his money in equal measure, formerly resident in Tulse Hill, London, who on 11 April 1907 registered a patent for "Improvements in trousers" with the UK Patent Office.

What a terrible waste that one wears one's trousers out only on the knees at the front and on the seat behind! That wouldn't happen if you could put the trousers on either way round. However: what is the point of gentlemen's trousers if the fly is round the back but is needed at the front? Mr Mumford's invention solves this problem elegantly, by providing a fly at both the front and the back of the trousers.

If you need somebody to take a good look at your problems from front and back and resolve them in all directions, we are happy to be of service to you in the New Year.

is an unquestionably honourable concern. But what on earth could Mr Josef Fleischer of 166 Henry Street, New York, have been thinking when he patented his "Siphon spout" on 10 November 1899?

In order to prevent his more uncouth contemporaries from introducing the siphon spout into their bodily orifices and thus facilitating the transfer of pathogens, Mr Fleischer decided to fit the spout with a crown of spiked projections. This proved a highly effective protection, unless anybody was prepared to pay a very high introductory fee, so to speak.

Introducing innovative products to the market, on the other hand, is certainly a far less delicate matter. The main thing, and one area where we wholeheartedly agree with Mr Fleischer, is that you remember to register your patent first.
That is something we would be pleased to help you with in the future.

...is always a useful thing to have. As long as your vision is crystal clear, that is. But if your vision gets cloudy, we would recommend an invention entitled "Eyeglasses with interchangeable coloured lenses", which was filed by Mr Kent Broadhurst of Cornelia Street 24, New York, with the US Patent and Trademark Office on 1 July 1971.

It's as simple as this. Upset at work or at home? No problem. Just turn the eyeglass motor and you can see the world through rose-tinted glasses. Politicians lied to you before the last election? Just give another turn. It has never been easier to change the colours of your political allegiance.

Just look at the young lady in the patent illustration. Don't her eyes just gleam with joy?

Please note, however, that anyone who continues in the condition of coloured vision should think carefully before taking the glasses off. They might go cross-eyed.

If you look to the future with a naked eye, we share your vision. For good views and bad. It's far preferable to being cut down with a glance or having your eye blacked.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

...must be held in place. This was clearly what motivated Mr Jan Peter Kruse, formerly of Großenbrode, Holstein (Germany), when on 19 May 1930 he registered patent no. 148,707 with the Swiss Federal Department for Intellectual Property for his cow's tail holder.

What a step forward for mankind. How many scores of cold-fingered milkmen and maids have lost their sight due to sharp blows from the tails of indignant cows! An early form of animal feminism, perhaps?

Okay, okay, even if you're not a cow, there is no need to overreact to this patent or even to turn tail and run.

If you need somebody to keep tight hold of you and to help you fend off blows by using patents, we would be very pleased to assist you next year.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

...from pesky varmints – a truly never-ending challenge for every property owner.

Mr Alfred Zimmermann, previously of Lürschau/Schleswig (Germany), probably had his feed stores, under threat from no-good rats, in mind when, on 27 January 1926, he registered his "Apparatus to destroy rodents using poison" with the German Imperial Patent Office.

As you can see from the patent illustration, a band with a poisoned spike or barb (pointing downwards) is fastened around the middle of the body of male rats caught alive. The dishonourable instinct of the notoriously promiscuous male rats to mate frequently would then lead to the immediate extermination of the female party at every mating.

You have to ask yourself whose instincts were really more dishonourable: the rat's, or the patent holder's?

If you patently need protection against anybody wishing to do you damage, speak to us.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

... compared to the roll of the dice?

Unfortunately, the answer to this question put forward by Mr Joseph P. Cochrane, a resident of Ste. Thérèse, Canada, will remain hidden from us forever, as he mean-spiritedly registered his "Cube-shaped tennis ball" with the US Patent Office as just a registered design on 23 October 2003, saving him the bother of publishing technical specifications along with the shape. Wimbledon – a game of dice, one day?

If you wish to secure professional assistance – either with a patent or a registered design – don't let the dice fall against you, we make a mean doubles partner.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

...as the saying goes.

But Ms Deloris Gray Wood, of Salem, Missouri, USA, thought differently, when she registered her "Kissing shield game and method of use thereof" with the US Patent Office on 12 July 2002.

Because learning to exchange innocent affection takes a little practice, this patented procedure uses a board game to allocate its young participants a training partner at random. One can easily imagine that not all partners would be equally well-received. So the mask you see in the illustration gives you a certain amount of privacy. Also, laughter isn't the only contagious thing.

The world business is neither innocent nor affectionate. This mask will be of no use to you. You are better relying on your experienced partners in all patent and trademark matters.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

… had a perfectly idyllic life, compared to what the technology of the 20th century had in store for these cute little rodents.

Where hamsters used to be free in mind and body to use state-of-the-art technology to get their physical exercise going round in their wheels quite happily, and could set the RPM for themselves, the "Robotic device for locomotor training" invention of Mr Reinkensmeyer and associates, resident in Irvine, California, registered with the US Patent Office on 5 April 2002, forces them relentlessly to keep moving, in a submissive physical posture. Or do you think the poor hamster in the patent illustration looks happy?

Even if today's turbulent markets force you to keep going round like a hamster in a wheel, never let anybody take away your freedom to move unrestricted, or your upright posture. Particularly not when it comes to patent or other industrial rights. We'll help you with that. We promise.

With our very warmest seasonal greetings, and wishing you the greatest success and personal well-being for the New Year.

… is a threatening to those who oversleep. This realization may have prompted the late Mr. Samuel S. Applegate of Camden, New Jersey, USA to file an application for a "Device for Wakening Persons from Sleep" with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on April 11, 1882.
To prevent oversleeping he provided a frame with no less than 60 small bells suspended above the sleeper whereby said bells were to ring at a given time. In the event that this would not result in interrupting the sleep, the frame would be released and allowed to fall into the poor oversleeper's face, thus causing an abrupt end to the deep slumber, even in persistent cases.
Today, as the end of the financial and economic crisis appears on the horizon, one would be well advised to not sleep through it but to be wide-awake and to thumb one's nose at the competition as long as they still sleep and trust on being awaked at some time by the falling frame.
We wish you all the best for the upcoming holiday season and a happy new year.

... as in the case of an innocent lake on a golf course. As every golfer knows, an unlucky shot into the water has the unpleasant consequence of an expensive golf ball disapearing into the abyss while simultaneously ruining the score. Hence, precaution is required.
These may have been the thoughts of Mr. Ralph Edgar Andrew Beerwald of Ardrossan, Canada, when he filed an application for a "Golf Ball Floatation Device" with the U.S. Patent Office on October 7, 2002.
Ball and score are saved if the strategically acting player, as a precautionary measure, applies Beerwald's life jacket to his golf ball when approaching a water hazard. At least the retrieval of the ball is thus facilitated. Rumour has it that the official approval of this measure by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews is imminent.
Don't we all want the success of a new product to be watertight? A life vest won't help but, maybe, a patent can.
We wish you all the best for the upcoming holiday season and a happy new year.

… may well be an old-school form of punishment, but this was by no means the intention of Mr. James D. Williams of Encino, California, USA, when he filed his invention "Animal Ear Protectors" with the U.S. Patent Office on February 6, 1979. In order to prevent his beloved long-hair and long-eared poodle from soiling its noble ears with dog food when eating, Mr. Williams proposed to pull them through a tube in order to establish a sufficient distance between the ears and the food while the dear animal eats. In business life it would certainly be a better idea to keep an ear to the ground, even when up to one's ears in work. Then one may prick up one's ears and pick up everything, even if it is not intended for delicate ears. But please bear in mind: The competition has keen ears, too. Therefore, file your inventions quickly before they get someone else's ears. Then it is you who will be smiling. From ear to ear.

We wish you all the best for the upcoming holiday season and a happy new year.